Ndizama ukugxeka wonke umntu kunye nayo yonke into
Sawubona, igama lam linguJean kwaye ndiza kubuyisa utywala . Ndingomnye wabanxilisayo abanomdla abaye baphila ukuxelela ibali lam. Kodwa ngenxa yobabalo lukaThixo kunye nenkqubo ye-AA , ndiza kufa.
Ndaqala ukusela xa ndandisemncinci kwaye ndandithandwa kakhulu kwisihlwele sam esikolweni esiphakeme "njengobomi beqela". Ndandisoloko ndihlala ndiphuza umntu ondihlala naye.
Oko kwaqala njengokumnandi kuphelile kwisihogo esihlala kuyo. Ukusela kwam ukuqhubela phambili ngokufunda esikolweni esiphakeme nakwiikholeji zezoshishino kwaye emva koko ndafika kwi-ofisi yokuqala yolawulo apho ndasebenza khona.
Ngelo xesha, ukusela kwam kwakukuphantsi kokulawula; Ndisemncinci, ndandinomdla wokunxila ubusuku bonke kwaye ndisebenza imihla ngemihla kwaye umjikelezo onobuqili wawuqhubela phambili. Andiyithandanga "izidakwa," ngoko ndiya kuzama ukuba mfutshane kwaye ndithi: Ndatshatile ngamanye amaxesha, ndabanjwe imisebenzi ehloniphekileyo, oko kukuthi, ukusebenza kwiifemu zomthetho ezahlukeneyo, kwiSenethi yelizwe kunye noMgwebi weProbate kunye neLt Iofisi yeGunyana. Ndinekhaya elihle kunye nendoda endandicinga ukuba ndithandayo ngelo xesha; kwaye baninzi babo, bam abantwana abantle.
I-Blackouts iqalile
Ewe, le ndoda ayingandithandi njengoko ndacinga; wenza okulungileyo; Wathabatha abantwana bam, wandiqhayisa ekhaya lam elihle, waza waqhawula. NDIYE ndingazange ndibe ngaphantsi. Ndandinako ukusela nantoni na; kwaye ngoko ke, ngokuqinisekileyo, i- blackouts iqalile.
Ndikholelwe, ndazama ukugxeka wonke umntu nento endiyazi ngayo ngokusela kwam; ukufa komntwana wam, amadoda angaphambili, njl. Wonke umntu wayejongene nokusela kwam ngaphandle kwam. Ukutshatyalaliswa kwakukho, kwindlela, intsikelelo. Andifuni ukukhumbula ezinye zezihlandlo.
Ekugqibeleni, ngokuqinisekileyo, ixesha lafika apho ndingasakwazi ukusebenza; Kwafuneka ndilungise utshintsho lwamalanga onke emva kweeyure ezimbalwa okanye njalo.
Ubomi bam bubomi besihogo esipheleleyo. Kwakukho iintsuku ezininzi xa yonke into endinokuyenza yayibukeka kwindwangu yam, ukuba ndibone ukuba bekusemini okanye mnyama.
Ukusela Utywala Ophantsi
Oko, bahlobo bam, yinto engekho umntu ophilayo oya kufuna ukuyenza. Ewe, ekugqibeleni, ixesha lafika xa kungekho mali yokuqeshisa ipropati, okanye nayiphi na into, ngaphandle kweedola ezimbalwa ndazigcina i-booze yam. Ndiyabulela uThixo ngenxa yokugqibela kokugqibela-ndafika ekamelweni ngekota kwi-dresser egumbini.
Ndiyabulela uThixo usapho lwam luqhuba "Uthando Olukhulu". Akukho namnye kwintsapho yam eya kundivumela emakhaya abo; le nto yayingaphantsi kwexesha . Ndakhangela kwiphepha lephuzi lencwadi yefowuni ndafumana inombolo ye-AA.
Utywala wayeyeke ukusebenza
Kwimizuzu embalwa, intombazana kunye nomntu osuka kwiAlcoholics Anonymous balapho. Akukho namnye kubo obonakala bexhatshazwa yizinto ezimbalwa endazixelela zona. Ndiqinisekile ukuba ibali lam lihlukile kwimbali yamnye umntu. Ndandiqinisekile ukuba ndiyodwa. Andizange ndiyazi kodwa ndandingumlwala, umntu owayelungele ukwenza nantoni apha ehlabathini ukuba atshintshe ubomi bam.
Aba bantu bangangenisa, bandiyisa kwintlanganiso yam yokuqala ye-AA, kwaye abaninzi abantu baqala ukusebenza kunye nam kwaye baxosha. Andizange ndigule kakhulu, ngengqondo nangokwenyama.
Kodwa ndafunda emva koko, ukuba kwandula ukuba nosuku lwam lubi kakhulu lungcono kunokuba ndidakiwe kakhulu. Utywala wayekekile ukusebenza kum. Kwakungekho "phezulu," okanye ukuvakalelwa kakuhle.
Ndingathanda ukukuxelela ukuba ndayeka apho, kodwa emva komnyaka owodwa wokungcungcutheka, ndagqiba ekubeni mhlawumbi ndibe ngumntu onxilisayo. UThixo, yintoni inhlekelele. Oko ndandisoloko nditshilo kwinkqubo ye-AA kukuba le sifo sithe gqolo kakhulu, nangona xa unesisindo, kwaye uqiniseke ngokwaneleyo, ndaphila ukuze ndifumanise. Emva kwesiselo sam sokuqala okanye sesibini, ndaya ngqo kumnyama. Ngoko ukuphuza kwam ukuphuza kwakuqalile kwakhona.
Ndiyabulela kakhulu kuMninimandla oPhezulu kunye nabo babesakholwa kum, ukuba ndiyindoda enenhlanhla "eyayibuyisela". Kwakunzima ukubuyela kulowo mnyango we-AA kwaye uqale kwaye uthabathe intsha entsha.
Kodwa ndenza. Esihogweni ngokuzikhukhumeza - ndikulungele ukuyeka ukusela. Ngaphandle koko, ndandisoloko ndafa ngenxa yendawo yokukhosela okanye yokufa. Ndivuyiswa kukuxelela ukuba sele ndiyifake i-chip yobungakanani beminyaka engama-17. Andizange ndibe yedwa. Ndifanele ndibe nonke nina, bazalwana kunye noodadewethu, ukuba ndikhumbuze ukuba ndingubani, kwaye nguJean, utywala obunxilisayo omele athathe ubomi ngemini enye ngexesha ukuze ahlale ekhuni.
Kukho ezininzi iingxaki ebomini bam kodwa mbulela uThixo andizange ndifune ukusela. Kubonakala ukuba lo nyaka odluleyo ube ngowona unzima kunzima; Ndaphula umqolo wam, ndilahlekelwe ngumyeni endandiyithandayo ngokwenene, kwaye ndandiphazamiseka ngokupheleleyo. Kodwa NDAKHUMBULWA KUNGAKHUMBI.
Yonke imini ifana nomhla omtsha kum ngoku; ngamanye amaxesha ndivakalelwa ngathi andiyazi kakuhle ukuba ndiya phi, kodwa ndiyazi nje ukuba ndihlala ngongqangi, ulwalathiso luya kudala emva koko lube lucacileyo. Ndinelilungelo lokukwazi ukwenza umsebenzi othile kwiyunithi ye-detox , kwaye unomvakalelo omkhulu wokuwabelana ngam amava, amandla kunye nethemba kunye nolunye uxinzelelo lwabantu.
Ndiyathemba, ekwenzeni ukuba kwindawo ethile phantsi komgca, ndinokunceda umntu omnye ukuba afune indlela eya kwinkqubo ephela ehlabathini elisebenzele mna; Inkqubo yokuphila, iziTywala ezingabonakaliyo. Ndiyabulela uThixo ngoBill W. kunye noDkt Bob, abaququzeleli bethu. Nantoni na esiyayenzayo ukuba indlela yabo ingahambi.
Andikho konke ehlabathini endikufunayo kwangoku, kodwa ndinayo yonke into endiyidingayo, kwaye iqinisekiswe kum ngamandla am phezulu kunye neNkathelo kunye neNkcubeko yale nkqubo kunye nabo bonke abantu abakhulu kule nkqubo , ukuba le nto isebenza. Kukho izinto ezininzi endifuna ukuzitshintsha ebomini bam, kodwa ndiziva ukuba kuthethwa ukuba batshintshe, kuya kwenzeka.
Ndinezingane zam, ngaphandle kweyodwa umntwana olapho, kwaye "utywala". Akukho nto ndinokuyenza kuye, ngaphandle kokuthandaza. Ndimthintele kwiintlanganiso ezininzi kunye nam, ngoko uye wahlulwa, kwaye kuye kuye ukuba ufuna ukuhlala okanye afe. Yilula elula. Akukho nto phakathi.
Ndifuna ukuphela ngokuxelela ngamnye wenu, abo endiyazi, ukuba ndiyakuthanda. Sinokwabelana ngesifo esifanayo kwaye siyazi ukuba kufuneka senze ntoni ebomini. Sinokukhetha namhlanje. Kwaye akunjalo? Abanye abantu abanezifo abanakho ukhetho. Ndikunikwe isipho sobungqina; Ndiyamthanda ubomi ngaphandle kotywala; Ndiyonwabele kakhulu ukusela yam ikhofi kumanyathelo am ngasemva kwaye ndibukele iintaka ekuseni; Izinto ezilula ezingabikho mntu ucinga ukuba zibalulekile.
Ndifumanisa ukuba ndiyakwenza izigqibo ezicacileyo, nangona bengenaso sonke isiphumo endingayithandayo. Yintoni enye endingayithethayo? Ndingumnxila onomdaka ogama lakhe linguJean L. kwaye yonke imihla iyasiphakamisa ngenxa yokuba ndinikwe elinye ithuba; kwaye andiyi kuvumela utywala ukutshabalalisa ubomi bam.
Yingakho ndimele ndihlale ndikhuthele kule nkqubo kwaye ndihlale ndizikhumbuza ukuba ndingubani, apho ndaye ndahlala khona, kwaye apho ndingasayi kufuna kwaye akudingeki, buya kwakhona. Ndiyabulela ngokundivumela ukuba ndibalise ibali lam kunye nawe.