Uthando luphambili xa ucinga ngokungena kwibudlelwane obude obude. Enyanisweni, iipesenti ezingama-88 zamaMerika zithi uthando luyona sizathu esibalulekileyo sokuqwalasela ukutshata. Sifuna ukuziva sithandwa, kwaye sithande, iqabane lethu.
Ubudlelwane bujamelene noxinzelelo olungakumbi kunanini ngaphambili. Ukongeza kokuxinzeleleka kwexesha elide lezinto ezinjengezemali, ukutshintsha ubomi kunye neentsapho zengqungquthela, izibini zijongene nemingeni yoxinzelelo lwengqondo kunye nokugcina ubudlelwane obusondeleyo.
Sibheka kumaqabane ethu ukuze sithuthuzele, siqiniseke kwaye sisondele kwaye siziva sibuhlungu xa singenalo luhlobo loxhamlwano lwethu nolwalamano. Abalingani banokuzifumana bezinamathele kwiipatheni ezingenakulungileyo zokunqanyulwa kwaye, ngokuhamba kwexesha, baqale ukucinga ukuba abasayi kuphinda babe kunye.
Ukwahlukana Ngaphambi Komtshato
Umbutho we-American Psychological Association (APA) uqikelele ukuba izinga lokuqhawula umtshato lihlale lizinzile, phakathi kwama-40 no-50 ekhulwini kwiibini eziseMelika. Ezinye iingxelo ziqala ukubonisa ukuba umtshato womtshato usenokuthi unqabileyo, onokubakho kwizinto ezinjenge:
- Abantu balinde baze bekhulile ukutshata
- Ababini bakhetha ukuhlala ndawonye kunokutshata
- Ukwandiswa kwezibini ezithatha inxaxheba ekucebiseni ndawonye
Njengezibini ezitshatileyo zifumana ubudlelwane babo bunzima, ziza kucinga ukuba izinto ziphelile kwaye azikwazi ukuphiliswa okanye ukulungiswa. Nangona kunjalo, kunokuba kunengqiqo kwaye kunenzuzo kubabhangqwana ukuba baqwalasele ukwahlukana ngelixa beqonda ukuba yeyiphi inyathelo ekufuneka bayithathe emva komtshato wabo.
Ukugqiba kwiSahlulo soLwahlulo
Ukwahlukana kwetyala kunokukhethwa ngababini abanobunzima kwiintsebenziswano zabo kodwa bangaqinisekanga ukuba umtshato usisinyathelo esilandelayo sokuthatha. Xa amaqabane ahlangani, angakhetha ukuhlala kwindawo ezahlukileyo njengoko ezama ukusebenzisana nemingeni abajongene nayo kunye nolwalamano.
Abanye abantu bacinga ukuba ukwahlukana kwelingo kukuhamba "kwelinye inyawo ngaphandle komnyango" kunye nelitye lokuqhawula umtshato okanye isiphelo sokugqibela sobudlelwane. Isiqendu ngasinye siyahluke kwaye kukho izizathu ezahlukeneyo zokungeniswa kwetyala. Ukwahlukana akunakukhuselwa kwezi zibini. Enyanisweni, ulwalamano olunxulumano lunokuba luzuzisa kakhulu ngeli xesha xa iqabane lihlala kunye kwaye lingasuswa kancinci kwimizekelo engafanelekanga xa behlala ndawonye.
Ucela Umlingani Wakho Ukuba Ucebisi ngelixa Ulwahlukileyo
Unokuzibuza ukuba kukho na ixesha elifanelekileyo lokuthetha nomlingane wakho malunga nokucebisa ukuba ubone ukuba uya kuhamba nani. Inyaniso kukuba, ixesha lifanelekileyo ukubuza xa ukholelwa ukuba ukululekwa kunokunceda ulwalamano lwakho. Xa ulwahlukileyo, kodwa usakholelwa ukuba iingcebiso zengqangi zinokuzuzisa ulwalamano lwakho, umvuzo wokucela iqabane lakho ukuba uthathe inxaxheba ekucebisi unokwenza umngcipheko.
Ucela njani iqabane lakho? Hlalani nikhumbule ukuba ngokusoloko kunkwantya ukuba abantu bayeke ukungena kwinkqubo yokucebisa. Wena okanye iqabane lakho unokwesaba ukufumana intlungu engakumbi kwinkqubo okanye mhlawumbi ubonwa ngokuba "ngumntu omubi" okanye "ophukileyo." Thatha ixesha lokucamngca ngokwenu ukwesaba malunga nenkqubo yokucebisa kunye nokuba yintoni iqabane lakho elinoyikiyo lokuqalisa.
Vumela indawo yokuba nonke nikhulume ngokucacileyo malunga nokukhathazeka kwaye, ukuba kunokwenzeka, yenza umgudu wokuphanda abacebisi ndawonye ukuze ufumane umntu ovakalelwa kukuba unako ukhululekile.
Ukufumana uMcebisi wakho
Kukho abacebisi abaninzi kunye nezinye iiklinikhi ezibonisa ukuba zisebenza kunye nezibini kodwa aziqeqeshe ngokwaneleyo kulo msebenzi okhethekileyo, ngoko kuya kuba luncedo ukuba wenze uphando oluncinane ngaphambi kokuba ukhethe umcebisi kwiimeko zakho ezizodwa. Enye into ebalulekileyo ekufuneka iqwalaselwe ngolu qeqesho lwabacebisi ngokubhekiselele kumtshato kunye nobudlelwane bezobudlelwane. Uya kufuna ukwazi ukuba umcebisi owukhethayo uya kukwazi ukuqonda isimo esincinci sobudlelwane ngelixa ekwazi ukukunceda ukuzolisa nokuhamba ngendlela yamanzi olwalamano kunye nokulungiswa.
Ungesabi ukuqhagamshelana nabacebisi abahlukeneyo kwindawo yakho kwaye ubuze imibuzo malunga neenkonzo abazinikelayo. Xa uthetha nomcebisi, imibuzo ofuna ukuyibuza iquka:
- Uluphi uqeqesho lwakho lolwalamano lobuhlobo?
- Ude usebenze ixesha elingakanani kunye nezibini?
- Ngaba usebenza kuphela nomtshato kunye nobudlelwane?
- Ngaba uziva ukhululekile ukusebenza kunye nezibini ezihlukeneyo?
- Yintoni esinokuyilindela xa siqala ukululekwa nawe?
Ukuthatha ixesha lokubuza imibuzo yomcebisi njengalezi kunokukuvumela ukuba ufumane ukuqonda okungcono uqeqesho lwabo olukhethekileyo, amava abo ekusebenzisaneni nezibini kunye nendlela abanokukunceda ngayo kunye neqabane lakho ngeli xesha elinzima.
Yikuphi ukululekwa okunokunikela
Ingcali yomtshato uDana Vince, MA, i-LPC / MHSP, ibonisa ukuba kukho inzuzo eninzi isibini esingaba nayo ekucebisi ngenkathi ihlukaniswe. Kanye njengabalingani abasaphila kunye, uthi, "Ukucebisa kunokukunceda uqonde iipatheni ezenzekayo ezikhokelela kule ndawo, indlela yokufumana ukucaca nokukhula ukusuka kumava ukuze iipatheni zamandulo zingaphenduli."
UNksz Vince uthi ukuba imibhangqwana ephakamileyo yamabambano, ngokukhethekileyo, ukwahlukana kunokunceda ukunqumla umquzulwano, ukuvumela ulwalamano olusondeleyo lusebenze njengendawo ekhuselekileyo yokuqalisa ukucwangcisa oko kwenzekayo kwintsebenzo. Ukwabelana naye, "Ukucebisa kunokukunceda ukuzisa ukucaca nokuthula kwisinqumo esinzima malunga nobudlelwane."
Ukuba wena kunye neqabane lakho nihlukana ngoku, ulwalamano lobuhlobo lunokukunika ezinye zezi zinto zilandelayo:
- Isikhundla sokususa iimbambano ezikhoyo
- Ixesha lokufumana ingqiqo malunga nokuba yintoni eyayikhokelela ekukhutsheni
- Indawo ephephile yokubona nokuva indlela impikiswano ifuthe ngayo iqabane ngalinye
- Isikhokelo esithembekileyo sokuhamba ngesinqumo esinzima malunga nobuhlobo
- Isikhundla ukujongana neemvakalelo ezicelomngeni malunga namanyathelo okuthabatha
- Yakha ingqiqo yethemba lokubuyisana kwakhona
- Uncedo lobugcisa ukuphilisa nokulungisa ubuhlobo
- Isikhokelo sokulawula utshintsho olubuyiselwayo ekhaya
- Ukunceda izibini ezidibeneyo ziqhubeka nokwakha ubuhlobo obuqinile, obuphilileyo
ILizwi
Amaqabane ahlukeneyo, okanye afika kwindawo yokuhlukana, ngokungangabazeki ekuxakekeni. Iimvakalelo zomlingane ngamnye zisebenza ngokugqithiseleyo ngelixa ithemba lokuba utshintsho kunye nokuphuculwa luphantsi. Ukwabelana ngokucebisana kunokunika wena kunye neqabane lakho elaneleyo kunye nexesha kunye nexesha elifunekayo ngokucacileyo ukufumanisa ukuba yeyiphi inyathelo ekufuneka uyithathe emva kobudlelwane bakho. Ukuphulukiswa nokulungiswa kunokuba lukhethwa ngoncedo lomcebisi womtshato oqeqeshwe.